Domestic – Cars Break

2018 JK Unlimited: The Suckiest Suck to Ever Suck

I’m a fan of American trucks. We had a 2004 Silverado a while back and it ruled. My dad’s got a pristine condition 1994 K1500 that similarly rules. Chevy trucks are something America has done right for a long time. Fords aren’t all bad, either. Dodges and anything from Fiat Chrysler corp, however needs to take a long look in the mirror, eschew Stewart Smalley, and realize they’re not good enough, smart enough, nor, gosh darn it, do people like them.

Jeeps and Harleys are something America believes it has done right for a long time, but in reality they both have lost their way. At long last Harley Davidson is seeing their plight come to fruition with annual revenue falling drastically in recent years. Could this be a result of refusing to innovate and using 100 year old tech in hopes that their bullet-proof branding will continue to appeal to the younger generation? Probably. What baffles me about Jeep is how much brand equity they have while still producing vehicles that are barely road-legal let alone brimming with quality and performance.

Our contender has 12 miles on it and as we pulled out onto the road we noticed it already has interior panel squeak. A trademark of American vehicles with 75,000 miles or more, but 12? Also what you’ll notice immediately on a JK is the lack of ability to stop, go, or turn. Let’s review these items one by one.

Brakes

The brakes are sufficient for maybe a family sedan or a tiny Toyota truck from the 90’s but on this 5000 lbs pig that’s supposed to be able to tow an additional 3500 lbs?? You’re left squishing the not-responsive stoppers to the floor just hoping you won’t hit the car in front of you in stop and go traffic. Needless to say they need a serious upgrade.

Engine

I liked the idea of the 4.0L straight six they used to put in Cherokees and Wranglers. It paid homage to tractor motors and hinted at low-end torque you wanted from an offroad vehicle. The new 3.5L V6 is ultra meh. I had to open the hood to make sure there were six intake runners and headers on the JK or else I would have thought it was a non-turbo 4cyl. It can’t seem to get out of its own way but on the plus side you’re getting 16 mpg around town. Oh wait, that sucks. It’s the same as my dad’s 1994 Silverado with a 5.7L V8, old-school fuel injection, and significantly more torque than the jeep. Not only does it suck, you could say it’s the suckiest module of suck to ever suck. Listen to Homer’s rendition:

Handling

The steering wheel is a little big, it’s like driving a school bus… or a 1990s full size truck. Also you’ll be delighted to note that when traveling at a speed of greater than 30 mph the wheel is utterly unresponsive. You can fling it back and forth with great glee and not really change direction. This becomes a little worrisome on tight mountain roads with cars coming the other direction.

Rugged-ness

You’d think for being a Jeep this car would be nearly indestructable. For those reading along in fury with the argument of “yeah, but it’s tough!” I give you this:

While traveling somewhat slowly through a shallow mud puddle our hero tore huge gash into the sidewall of the front driver’s side tire. Woot. “But the JK has a full-size spare! You’re covered, bro”. Yeah, I guess except that’s more of a liability than an asset when you actually need to use the thing, which will likely be off-road. Why is that? Well because the jack that comes with the car is barely adequate to lift the car high enough to mount the spare in perfect, sunny, flat conditions let alone any imperfection whatsoever in your driving surface.

I used the stock floor jack to lift the vehicle only to find that there wasn’t enough clearance to fit the full-size spare tire. Great. Now I had to put the flat tire back on because it didn’t need as much space to mount, drive on it a few feet until the jack point would be way above the tire mount point, which need a tire-size ditch to accommodate.

Needless to say, the tires that came with this model are weak-sauce and the jack is nearly completely useless in mounting a spare.

Conclusion

I like American manufactures and I want to like them more, but when you’ve been resting on your laurels for decades you deserve a slap in the face. The JK isn’t bad off highway and the cargo space, simplicity, and fun factor (removable roof and doors) do make up for some of this vehicle’s foibles. I do have to wonder why these things still have top-25 resales value, though. They’re crazy expensive for the value they provide and longevity isn’t in the cards. My brother in law’s JK just blew up TWO motors. One at 16k and one at 500 miles. And that’s without any misuse with nothing but dealer maintenance to boot.

Oh Jeep, I hope you figure it all out. I want to like you more, but as it stands you are indeed one of the suckiest sucks to ever suck.

2016 Dodge: Another Day Another Challenge…er.

When the first Dodge Challenger you drive is the SRT Hellcat it sort of spoils any chance for the other models to make a good impression. However, it doesn’t take an upscale automotive pallet to taste the Burger King quality of the entry level Challenger.

It’s an obvious throwback to 1960’s muscle cars and that’s great for the target market who’s likely buying this car. For most people, however, the Challenger is a behemoth nautical vessel boasting average performance and efficiency with very little room for passengers.

Let’s start with the size. 4000lbs is a bit on the chubby side for a 2+2 vehicle these days and it shows in the city mileage. You’re lucky to get 18 mpg and that’s carrying around a 6.3 second 0-60 number. Hardly what you’d expect from a claimed 305 horsepower. There are Toyota Camry’s on the road right now with a claimed 276 hp that will run a 5.6.

Another downfall of the husky Challenger is visibility. The hood is enormous. I’m sure it provides large amounts of nostalgia for some, but for most it’s a popped tire on a curb or parking lot ding waiting to happen. It’s fairly hard to tell where your giant nose is pointing half the time. The cabin feels a bit like a chopped hot rod’s and zero rear visibility reminds you of that at every blind spot check. Not exactly a safety-mobile.

The dashboard layout overall works well enough and the digital control of car status works well. Most of the buttons, however look silly with their huge font and larger than necessary size. That part feels very “Dodge”.

A couple redeeming factors that really scream ‘Murica are the large, easily accessed cup holders, the range, and ability to run on regular; which all coincidentally reference drinking. The cup holders are even illuminated via some nice LEDs hey! As for range you can go about 450 miles on one tank if you’re on the freeway most of the time. That’s way above average for the 2016 model year, nice job Dodge! Some pretty serious road trip capability there. Nice thing about being somewhat low-tech is being able to run on the cheap stuff. I just filled up for under $30 @ $1.69 per gallon! These are strange times.

If you love the challenger style and can’t be without one do yourself a favor and spring for something with a V8. It doesn’t make it nicer to own on the day to day but at least it will be fast.

2015 Tesla Model S P85D: Rocket Space Car from Planet Barf.

Don’t let the title get you down: this is a rocket space car first. The barf only comes as a result of our weak human stomachs.

You may have heard that the P85D does 0-60 in 3.1 seconds but then Tesla lovingly came out with an over-the-air software update that gave people “ludicrous” mode and whittled that number down to 2.7. That’s very quick to 60 mph by nearly any standard. One thing you must understand, however is that this car will go 0-40mph in 1.5 seconds. That’s not acceleration. That’s gunfire. There’s your puke party. When you floor it from a stand-still it really feels like you’re being launched into space.

If you’re into internet you’ve probably seen The Oatmeal’s take on the Model S. It’s an impressive tribute from a self proclaimed non-car guy. It’s a bit crude and boils down to asking Elon Musk for a donation to his Nikola Tesla museum but he does bring some some very good points. One of which is the singularity this car shoves in our faces: you don’t need to burn gasoline to get around. This seemingly obvious fact has been challenged unsuccessfully for about 100 years and Tesla is the first one to really pull it off. That’s pretty darn impressive when you consider a few global brands have given it a shot.

And did you know the Model S can carry 7 people!? Pretty insane, although it’s not 7 full-sized adults, it’s bringing flex seating back station wagon style.

The final 2 seats are more kid-sized but when you’re hauling 7 people around chances are some of them are going to be sub-100 pounders. Although this seems like a risky proposition you can rest easy knowing that the Model S is the only car to get a 5 star safety rating on every test and the only car to break the machine trying to test how strong it is.

If you’ve ever wanted the coolness of having a trunk up front without the mid-engine price, Tesla is for you. Just look at this front trunk! You can put things in there and fulfill every single one of your childhood dreams.

If you were wondering about the name, the 85 part stands for the wattage of the motor and the D part stands for “dual” motors, as in one for the front and one for the rear. What helps the P85D achieve it’s “ludicrous” acceleration is the fact that it’s all-wheel drive, which helps in the snow, too.

The central screen that controls the climate, radio, and settings can only be described as super gigantic. It’s the focal point of the interior because you pretty much can’t see anything else.

Controls are easy to find and it’s fairly straightforward to operate but it’s a little scary trusting so much to a touch screen when you’re used to physical nobs. It’s nice to grab something of substance when you’re too warm or want to change the station if more of that hipster garbage music comes on.

One advantage, however, to all the software business is that Tesla can make your car cooler overnight while you’re sleeping. In addition to making it accelerate faster they can make your car self-driving. And have. All of a sudden Model S’ss’ around the nation were updated with a “semi-autonomous” function where if you pull back twice on the cruise control lever it will guide itself down your current path, hands free, feet free. It’s mentally straining to let the car take over but it’s magical golden joy sauce when it works. It’s sort of unbelievable. You’re supposed to keep your hands lightly on the wheel, however, even in this semi-auto mode. It’s not perfect I guess but in my experience using it I was very impressed and found myself trusting it’s abilities more and more. All hail our new overlord: the mythical blue lines of semi-autonomous driving.

Facts about this car that actually matter to anyone wanting one:

Price for the good one: $130k
Range: claimed 280 miles, real world: 220
Time to full charge at home: 8 hrs
Time to 80% charge at supercharger: 45 min
Charging port: painfully cool that they located INSIDE the taillight. A section swings open to reveal a glowing electro-snake receptacle.

So while the P85D is way out of reach for the lay person, it’s proof that the electric car is not only possible, but it can be luxurious and fun. While some people may have thought he Model X was going to be the Tesla available to the average working American, this model is actually identical to the Model S in drivetrain and costs a bit more. Sorry, folks.

Good news, though: many people anxiously await the Model 3 which is claimed to arrive in 2017 at a starting price in the $30k neighborhood. If Tesla can deliver on a car that’s even 1/4 as good as the Model S for 1/4 the price I think they’ll have a winner. Especially if the range is anywhere near the 300 mile mark.

2015 Dodge Challenger Hellcat: Hell’s Angel

The last time I went 0-80 in less than five seconds was on my motorcycle, and that was no sissy bike. The Yamaha FZR 1000 was king of the hill in the early 90’s; it was a 1000cc 20-valve inline 4 that redlined at 12,500 rpm and that will get you places. 0-60 in under 3 seconds, and it shot me through the 1/4 mi in low 11’s at nearly 120mph. Very hard to do that in a car and nearly impossible to do that on 4 wheels for mid 5-figures. Until now.

Let’ start with the price, $60k. That’s only $84 per horsepower – for reals motorcycle territory! Back in the 90’s liter bikes were all around $12k and had a bit over 140 ponies ($85/hp). Add 26mpg freeway and you’ve got serious value packed into this car. Did I mention that its 707 fire-breathing stallions makes it do mid 10-second quarter mile times w/ drag slicks at sea level? Bye bye P85D, AWD can’t save you now.

See that little fluid tank in the upper left? That’s exclusively for the twin intercoolers. You can put your hand right on that tank after a good burn and it will still feel room temperature. Post-boost the system does its job at getting the air down to a nice 100°F down from about 220 before it hits the heat sync.

Interestingly, the rear tires are only 285’s and so are the front. I would have thought a tail-wagger like this would have gone with something like 315’s to try and keep the back end under control. Guess you can rotate the tires now.

Appropriately, the Hellcat has many, many throwback cues like original Mopar orange on the valve covers and cast-iron block. One of the headlights has been hollowed out to make room for the unobstructed ram-air inlet, and the battery is on the rear passenger side tire to give an extra 50 lbs on the torque twist wheel.

Nods to modern convenience include a huge touch screen display with performance presets or fully customizable mode. The exhaust note is raspy and full-bodied thanks to an electronically actuated valve making Hellcat straight piped at full throttle thanks. Being a BMW guy I immediately noticed the Harman Kardon name gleaming from the two 12″ subs in the trunk – the same company that does premium sound for the Bavarians. Also eco mode will knock you down to 400hp and get you crossover-like freeway gas mileage.

Only 2400 were graciously handed over to customers this first run so you’ll have to wait your turn. If you know much about 1960’s hot rods you’ll eat up every inch of this car and fall in love. Romping on the throttle is instant gratification at any speed and you’ll be very, yet pleasantly surprised when you take a corner. It’s every muscle car lovers dream – whoop-ass straight line performance (make no mistake, this is a 200mph car), outstanding streetability, and big value.

Hellcat is a demon on the track and an angel in the street.

2015 GMC Canyon 4×4 Crew Cab: Pacquiao

The Mayweather-Pacquiao fight was arguably the biggest sporting event this year and possibly even decade. Floyd Mayweather is undefeated in professional boxing and Pacquiao isn’t far behind. Both fighters are well into their 30’s and sort of came out of a respite for the big event.

With a few losses on their track record, the good ole boys at GM are similarly making a comeback to smaller-than-full-size trucks. I use that hyphenated description because gone are the days of the compact truck, and midsize trucks are nearing the mass of full-size trucks from 15 years ago.

The Canyon is big. So much so that it felt like I was approaching a Sierra at first glance. This version was a crew cab 4×4 with the 6 ft bed (in midsize trucks this is the longer of the two). The truck felt ample and roomy to my 5’10” frame and is probably a boon to those over 6ft when comparing directly to a Tacoma, the other middleweight in this fight.

What surprised me most about the Canyon was that it didn’t exactly deliver a knockout blow when you stepped on the accelerator. I expected a lot out of a claimed 305 ponies. When you give it the juice, the Canyon wants to tie you up and rest rather than throw a haymaker. Weighing in at 4500 lbs it’s a bit lame that the 1/4 mi time is 15.4 when the only slightly lighter (4200 lbs) Taco is running 14.7 with a claimed 236 hp! The tacoma does indeed feel stronger and even has 500 lbs on the Canyon in towing capacity.

But what about price? Surely GM knows it needs to undercut the Taco in order to make any headway. Well, maybe not. At $36k+, GM makes you wonder why you’d pay that much when for $34k you can get a TRD off-road Tacoma. For $36k the Taco gets a 1.75″ lift and custom exhaust among other cosmetics when you add the TRD Pro package. Plus a cool 110v outlet in the bed and an electronic rear locker!

Although the Canyon has gas struts to lift the hood, auto-down rear window switches, wifi, and lane departure warning, it’s hardly enough dancing to distract from the Tacoma, which had the best resale value of any vehicle last year.

Without making all this sound like a Toyota commercial, I will say that the Canyon overall does feel more plush and comfy. Hat tip to GM as well for the 4 USB ports I found- one in the dash, one in the center console, and two in the rear. If there’s one thing lacking from most modern cars it’s an appreciation for America’s fierce addition to smart phones and tablets. Another fun thought was the volume and radio present buttons located behind the steering wheel! Way cool. They feel like those mountain bike clicky shifters you use your thumbs and index fingers on. Nice touch.

The instruments overall are familiar and easy on the eyes. Although I’m not a big fan of the redundant speedometer. There’s a digital readout in addition to the gauge.

The Tl;dr (which means ‘too long, didn’t read’ for those not up to date on their internet speak) version is that Tacoma wins. Power you can feel, more towing, Mayweather-esque pedigree, and big value. With more power and a couple years’ experience in reliability testing, however, Canyon/Colorado could be a force to be reckoned with.

2014 Camaro RS Convertible: Cheap Thrills

This is a fun one. Not terribly fast, and not as fast as you’d think it would be claiming 300hp, but a jolly good time. A 335i has the same hp rating from the factory but that thing can pull a 5.2 0-60 time. The best you’ll ever see out of one of these is about 6 seconds. For those who are into numbers like that, you know there’s an enormous difference in feel between 5 and 6 seconds to 60. It’s a line in the sand between edging on true performance vs light recreation.

What I liked most about this bang-for-budget ride was the exhaust note. It was satisfyingly raspy and seemed to grow twice as loud above 4000 rpm. I was stuck with the automatic but it didn’t hesitate too much when you romped on the throttle.

My wife and I drove with the top down and the heater on full-blast down highway 1 to Santa Monica in November on a brisk night. Highly recommended. Hard to have that much fun in anything else for the money. Also driving by a group of kids and hearing one say “hey!! that’s bumblebee!!” as another retorts “no it’s not” and finally another – “yeah huh! totally bumblebee!” is some good stuff.