I’m a fan of American trucks. We had a 2004 Silverado a while back and it ruled. My dad’s got a pristine condition 1994 K1500 that similarly rules. Chevy trucks are something America has done right for a long time. Fords aren’t all bad, either. Dodges and anything from Fiat Chrysler corp, however needs to take a long look in the mirror, eschew Stewart Smalley, and realize they’re not good enough, smart enough, nor, gosh darn it, do people like them.
Jeeps and Harleys are something America believes it has done right for a long time, but in reality they both have lost their way. At long last Harley Davidson is seeing their plight come to fruition with annual revenue falling drastically in recent years. Could this be a result of refusing to innovate and using 100 year old tech in hopes that their bullet-proof branding will continue to appeal to the younger generation? Probably. What baffles me about Jeep is how much brand equity they have while still producing vehicles that are barely road-legal let alone brimming with quality and performance.
Our contender has 12 miles on it and as we pulled out onto the road we noticed it already has interior panel squeak. A trademark of American vehicles with 75,000 miles or more, but 12? Also what you’ll notice immediately on a JK is the lack of ability to stop, go, or turn. Let’s review these items one by one.
Brakes
The brakes are sufficient for maybe a family sedan or a tiny Toyota truck from the 90’s but on this 5000 lbs pig that’s supposed to be able to tow an additional 3500 lbs?? You’re left squishing the not-responsive stoppers to the floor just hoping you won’t hit the car in front of you in stop and go traffic. Needless to say they need a serious upgrade.
Engine
I liked the idea of the 4.0L straight six they used to put in Cherokees and Wranglers. It paid homage to tractor motors and hinted at low-end torque you wanted from an offroad vehicle. The new 3.5L V6 is ultra meh. I had to open the hood to make sure there were six intake runners and headers on the JK or else I would have thought it was a non-turbo 4cyl. It can’t seem to get out of its own way but on the plus side you’re getting 16 mpg around town. Oh wait, that sucks. It’s the same as my dad’s 1994 Silverado with a 5.7L V8, old-school fuel injection, and significantly more torque than the jeep. Not only does it suck, you could say it’s the suckiest module of suck to ever suck. Listen to Homer’s rendition:
Handling
The steering wheel is a little big, it’s like driving a school bus… or a 1990s full size truck. Also you’ll be delighted to note that when traveling at a speed of greater than 30 mph the wheel is utterly unresponsive. You can fling it back and forth with great glee and not really change direction. This becomes a little worrisome on tight mountain roads with cars coming the other direction.
Rugged-ness
You’d think for being a Jeep this car would be nearly indestructable. For those reading along in fury with the argument of “yeah, but it’s tough!” I give you this:
While traveling somewhat slowly through a shallow mud puddle our hero tore huge gash into the sidewall of the front driver’s side tire. Woot. “But the JK has a full-size spare! You’re covered, bro”. Yeah, I guess except that’s more of a liability than an asset when you actually need to use the thing, which will likely be off-road. Why is that? Well because the jack that comes with the car is barely adequate to lift the car high enough to mount the spare in perfect, sunny, flat conditions let alone any imperfection whatsoever in your driving surface.
I used the stock floor jack to lift the vehicle only to find that there wasn’t enough clearance to fit the full-size spare tire. Great. Now I had to put the flat tire back on because it didn’t need as much space to mount, drive on it a few feet until the jack point would be way above the tire mount point, which need a tire-size ditch to accommodate.
Needless to say, the tires that came with this model are weak-sauce and the jack is nearly completely useless in mounting a spare.
Conclusion
I like American manufactures and I want to like them more, but when you’ve been resting on your laurels for decades you deserve a slap in the face. The JK isn’t bad off highway and the cargo space, simplicity, and fun factor (removable roof and doors) do make up for some of this vehicle’s foibles. I do have to wonder why these things still have top-25 resales value, though. They’re crazy expensive for the value they provide and longevity isn’t in the cards. My brother in law’s JK just blew up TWO motors. One at 16k and one at 500 miles. And that’s without any misuse with nothing but dealer maintenance to boot.
Oh Jeep, I hope you figure it all out. I want to like you more, but as it stands you are indeed one of the suckiest sucks to ever suck.
